When I was in my bad emotional state, a friend said to me: "You aren't being punished by the Lady, you're being shaped by her." And it took me awhile to really take those words to heart, and now I really like it. I feel like I'm finally somewhere where I feel very at peace with my faith and what it means, and I've spent a long time trying to find this place, because I was always at odds with the things Christianity used to teach me. I LIKE that I've gotten to this point, and I like where I am, and I have finally found a belief system that matches up with things I inherently cling to.

The other day at home, I was talking about how everyone getting married nowadays wears a strapless wedding gown, and how I hate them and wish people would choose something different. Then my grandmother piped in with "Doesn't anyone get married in a church anymore?" and I realized that I'm never going to be able to come out with my beliefs and faith to my extended family. And I'll never be able to have a wedding incorporating these beliefs fully without alienating people. I understand that this is the "stigma" associated with basically not being Christian, and as much as it really makes me mad, I can't change the world, much as I would like to. And I hope that I can stop being angry with this and start just accepting that that's the way it unfortunately is, because I don't like being mad about things I can't change.

And my parents, much as I love them, feel sort of the same way; I can't really talk to them about it, because I feel like they think it's a "phase" even though at almost 24, I'm thinking I don't have "phases" much and I'm no longer a rebellious teenager. But I have the most amazing friends ever, who have not only been supportive and appreciative of my beliefs, but some of them share the same beliefs, and it makes me feel more at peace with the world because there IS someone that I can talk to. And my roommate is amazing and we can talk about our different religions without getting upset at the other person.

I think, should I ever get married, that I'll marry with a civil service, because I refuse to get married with a religion I don't believe in, no matter how angry my grandma might get about not having a pastor. And maybe a week ahead of time or something, I'll find a coven and go down (provided my sig. other is okay with this) get handfasted with my roommate (and maybe sisters) as a witness. Because that's important to me, and even if I can't include my family in it, I still want it to take place.

I'm thinking I'm going to be so upset with the whole conflicting religion issue between my family and myself by the time I get married, I might just elope anyway and save everyone the hassle. It bothers me that it might come down to that, but I guess things like that can't be helped.

I'm listening to this amazing podcast called "The Broom Closet" which is geared mainly towards Wiccans who are stuck "in the closet" so to speak because someone around them will, inevitably, take offense or become disgusted by their religious beliefs (which I think is very sad, but that is the way of the world it seems). Anyway, it's absolutely great, I'm only on episode #3 and it just rings very true (obviously the podcaster is in the same boat- her family was in the Seventh Day Advent Church), but it brought up the whole idea of ecclectic Wiccan vs. traditional Wiccan, and I was musing a bit on it.

I guess the reason I was drawn to Wicca so much (aside from the fact that I am completely drawn by the idea of a Goddess) was because it WASN'T like the other religions- it wasn't set in stone, and it wasn't something that was going to try and invoke all these rules and "commandments" and things that are "bad" in a book of truths. It was something that you could explore on your own, with a few main points that held true no matter what, and the main thing I loved so much is that it was focused on nature- because honestly, nature is the biggest miracle of all, it's so amazing and breath-taking if you really study it and look at it and let yourself become immersed in it, and that's what I think is most important. I love being able to follow my own path and at the same time I'd love to meet up with others with the same faith and just talk about it, maybe just connect with other people. So it's almost like the best of both worlds. I think people who follow traditional paths are right, and I think ecclectics are right- I think it's both, really.

I guess it comes down to believing in what you are practicing, and if it works for you, then good. Isn't that all that matters? If it brings you peace and happiness, I think that's probably what is most important.

The podcaster just said that she follows Wicca because it has great spiritual truth and meaning to her, and I completely agree. It's based in things that are REAL things that I can see and touch and experience, and to ME, that is what is important. The bible is something foreign, something that I can't understand and don't often enjoy, and I don't like the idea of a god that could have so much wrath and anger on a group of people (I mean look at the Old Testament). But Wicca, again, for ME, is something tangible- it's there. Nature is all around you, you can feel earth and fire and wind and water and it's REAL. And it's beautiful, and it's powerful, and that's what I feel is so true about the path. But different people feel drawn to different things, and that's fine.

I guess for me, it's just about- love, to steal it from Sev. My deity is about love, and sharing love, and revering love of all forms, not "following these specific rules" or "adhering to this holy doctrine". And honestly, if you LOOK at Christianity, love is their main rule as well, only they've fallen so far away from it and convoluted it so badly with everything else (judge others! they don't believe the same! you are going to hell!). In my Wicca, there isn't a "church" that holds the "holy power". It's YOU that holds the power, it's NATURE that holds the power.

And honestly, even though my parents are okay with it (for the most part- as much as they probably can be at this point), I won't tell my grandparents until it's necessary (aka my wedding) because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I don't want someone I love telling me I am wrong even though I disagree with them, it's still going to hurt, and I know it's going to happen, and it makes me very sad. But honestly I feel so much happier and at peace with myself and life and everything else than I have in a long time, and I know Wicca is a large part of that. And I think that's all that matters. :)

I got the citrine stone I ordered for the top of my wand. I pulled it out of the package and just held it and I felt it. I'm not one to subscribe to these sorts of things often, and I'm NEVER receptive to anything like this, but it tingled in my hand and buzzed and my hand was hot where it had been. I suppose this makes sense, given it's attuned to my sign, and I'm glad I made a good decision, because I love it already. It's sitting on my altar now (that is like 2 candles so far, haha) waiting for my other things to arrive and for me to get my wand done and insert it in the top. Love, love, love.

I think for my wand that I'll head to JoAnns and get some cross-stitch thread. Leaving all 6 strands together will make it good for wrapping around my wand- and I think I'll get reds, oranges, and yellows in different shades so I can gradient the wand down through the fire colors. And maybe I'll pick up a few beads, too, silver, maybe, just to bring in some Goddess elements to it. :) I'm excited about doing it.

Also, I finally got my true birth time from my mom this weekend, so now I can try doing that thing again with the correct time put in (I was 45 minutes off). Maybe it'll be a bit different? I'm doing it again, so we'll see. Hmm, didn't change anything haha.

lassarina gave a link that talked about ascendant signs and all of that stuff, so I went ahead and figured out what mine were. My ascendant sign is Gemini, and what it said about me was pretty much spot on:

( Ascendant: Gemini )

HAHAHAHAHAHA. ZOMG that is all completely correct. That's kind of crazy. Does this make me a Fire-Air as my main/ascendant? It would make sense given how air is the creativity trait, I think. Plus, it did say many with it become writers. Hmm. Interesting!

--Edit--

I forgot to mention that I managed to talk myself out of a panic attack last night for the first time. It was a bad one- the kind where I can't stop moving my fingers/hands and I'm hyperventilating and sobbing, and after Laura talked to me online for a bit I got in bed and tried to go to sleep and ignore the sound that kept making me crazy (Subway's music was sooo loud). I ended up lying there and repeating a mantra over and over in my head, which sounds ridiculous now in the light of day but really, really helped last night, of "I am fire. I am flame." just over and over again. It worked, and I hadn't had anything work before on my anxiety attacks (save for going on for hours and wearing myself out and passing out). Srsly, sounds so stupid today, but it really helped.

In addition to getting some of my altar supplies, I decided I was going to make my own ritual wand. After doing some research, I found a stone I felt strongly about (again, my intuition thing) and ordered an un-polished small point online for the tip of my wand. It's Citrine- which makes sense. I'm trying to make my wand utilize my fire nature, and it's a fire stone, and actually it correlates to my Leo sign as well (which I didn't know). Anyway, when I go home I'm going to get a branch from one of the trees at my house (home-home, not apartment-home) because my roots and my family are pretty much the most important things to me, so I figure it's more meaningful to use wood for the wand that comes from this. I don't know how I'm going to decorate it yet, but I figure I'll pick out something nice to wrap around part of it or maybe put some beads on. Not sure yet. I'll try and remember to post pictures once it's all done, which might be awhile given I have to wait for the stone to get shipped.

During my panic attack last night, I put on my pentragram necklace that I tore my room apart trying to find (I misplaced so much in the move). I'm still wearing it, which marks the first time I've worn it to work. This sort of thing always makes me nervous, just because of people's stupid prejudices and stuff, but it's making me feel better. Plus, at least now I found the chain it's on so I can put my new pendant on when I pick it up at home.

It took awhile, but I found the altar cloth I loved- it's black and green and has the triquetra on it with celtic knots around the edges. It's so perfect! I got it and a simple black-handled athame. I'm on my way to finally having a real altar, how exciting. :) Tonight I'm going to hit up the mall, I think, because I need to get my sister's birthday present for this weekend, and I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble and get a blank lined book for my Book of Shadows. I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy making up my own spells/chants/brews, so it'll be most necessary for writing everything down in.

I still need to get the rest of the pieces. I haven't had anything to do yet today at work, and wow it's almost 11 already, so maybe I'll continue looking for stuff online. I miss being in Des Moines because they had a great occult store there- ooh, maybe I could find one in the area around here. The nearest coven is in Dubuque, about an hour away- I might get Annie to go up with me sometime and check it out. It'd be amazing to go to and feel the energy and just feel things out. More on this later.

Everything in Wiccan/Pagan beliefs puts me as being a very, very strong Fire sign, which is pretty much obvious to anyone who knows me at all (one would think). I keep visualizing this like a spark- like, there's a spark inside me that burns and blazes and I'd like to think that my personality does the same thing, you know? Anyway, I figure there has to be a way to channel that energy into something productive and good and useful, like healing. I just have to figure out how best to do it. I'm such a strong Fire sign that there has to be something I can do with all of it. I mean, I've been a bit down recently because I don't think I have very many good qualities (but this is not the place to get emo about how I suck as a person), but if I had to say I only had one good quality it would be my spark, I think. I'm passionate and blunt and stubborn but that's all FLAME you know? There has to be a really good way to channel that into something constructive, there's just so much of it.

I'll look into it, but my google searches aren't resulting in much.

I got my tax refund, and I think I might use it to finally get some real tools for my altar. I also want a box to hold my supplies in, as I'm using a strange red thing right now to hold my essential oils. And I really want to get a nice box to hold my tarot cards. They're wrapped up in some soft fabric, but that's it, and I do love them so.

Okay! I think this is going to be my new quest, to set up my altar. I've got a shelf commandered in the living room that already has my God/Goddess candles on it- the only part I've gotten so far. It'll work really nicely for holding all my supplies. I want to get things sort of in order, and just based on how I feel about them. That's usually how I work these things- if something makes me feel good, and I get a gut feeling or I think it's pretty and lovely, then it's good. The best part about the path is that no one is going to tell you that you're doing it wrong, and you can really sculpt it to suit you, and I think that's what I love so much about it. :) I'll post here once I find the things I like best.

I ordered myself a pretty witches' knot pendant and a beautiful celtic ring, I'm so excited! Hopefully they come soon, the pendant is getting shipped home (it's the default address on paypal and I forgot to change it, but I'm going home next weekend for Carly's birthday anyway).

Anywho, not that this is like EVER going to happen, but I decided that I want my engagement/wedding rings to be meanginful, since this is important to me, you know? I want a ring that means something, not that looks like everyone else's. So I was browsing through some really amazing celtic jewelry sites and found a few pictures of stuff I liked, just for reference (and hey, if I ever do start dating someone and by chance they ask for one of your ideas/input on rings, YOU CAN TELL HIM).

I liked this one a lot soooo pretty with a diamond so it's somewhat traditional: Garden Gate

[This one is so cool the wedding bands sits underneath the engagement ring!] OMG this one is so, so, so beautiful: Vanessa

[In the same line...] I liked this one, too: Adare

[And again, same line...] Oh god this is gorgeous: Double Waves

This one is called "Katie" and it's so beautiful: Katie

OMG THIS IS THE ONE I WANT: Marishelle

I could do this all day, goodness, they are so, so beautiful and not only are they unique from what everyone else has, they MEAN something and that's important to me. xD Maybe someday, right?

In less rant-worthy news, I've been very at peace with spiritual things as of late. I think maybe part of it has to do with something a friend said to me via livejournal- "you are being shaped by the Lady, not punished by Her." This obviously has similar incarnations in various other religious paths, but I liked it. I like the idea of the Goddess because it feels so much closer than a God. It feels more like something I can really connect with and really relate to and it just feels- more loving, in some way. More connected with the earth (like a mother figure) and more connected with life for the same reasons. I think this is why I left Christianity, because the Christian God feels so foreign and untouchable- not to mention the entire Old Testament to the bible is full of him cursing people and punishing people and testing people and that is not a god that I want to love.

I like to imagine her enveloping me when I'm sad or lonely or upset about something. Maybe it's silly, but I could never even hope to imagine something like that with the Christian idea of god.

I think I might look into getting a pendant that correlates to the Goddess. I'd like to wear it so it's close, as sentimental and sappy as that sounds. (ew)

I do still believe in the idea of both a Goddess and a God, because it makes sense, but I feel so much closer to the Goddess. I feel more comfortable with her. I like being comfortable with my deity, it seems like an important part of any religious path. I don't believe you should fear gods of any kind, that seems silly. If there are any, they wouldn't be punishing us like that in a way so we feared them. Plus, I don't believe that everything has to be "attributed" to them- like I believe in evolution rather than creationalism. I believe in science. I think science and spirituality have to go hand in hand. I mean, yes, we evolved from other creatures, but that doesn't mean that a deity didn't have a hand in that evolution. Why does it have to be one or the other?

Christians especially are so set in this. SCIENCE BAD and all that. :( It makes me sad to think that so many kids are getting taught that there is ONE right answer to everything, and if they don't believe that ONE way of thinking, they are GOING TO HELL.

Last night I decided to take out my Oils, Incense and Brews book by Cunningham and make something nice to indulge myself in. I ended up making a "Protection" Balt Salt minus the epsom salts, because apparently our Hy-Vee has an entire wing devoted to the selling of alcohol, but no epsom salts. Not that I'm complaining about the liquor wing, since I frequent it- moving on. Anyway, I made the recipe save the epsom salts and then took a bath while listening to Rilo Kiley on my ipod. The purpose of the "protection" salt is to fortify one against attacks physically, mentally, and emotionally. Given what this weekend may provide, I'm sort of also hoping it helps me develop a mean right hook in only one day's time, but we'll take what we can get.

I liked it a lot, actually, and somehow I ended up having all three essential oils necessary to make it. I only have six, and they were picked out back when I was still in high school and thought spells were "cool", so I really didn't have any idea what I was doing- which translates to good job me! It made the bathroom smell nice (I might have been hoping somewhere that the cat was going to be lethally allergic to it, but alas, no dice). I feel a lot calmer today overall, and I'm not sure if this is due to A) my excitement over spending a weekend with good friends who are interested in the same things I am, B) the new year, C) the bath salt, or D) the rather large amount of pain killers I took this morning. This could also have something to do with my roommate coming back home finally, which is good since in the last week, I've developed an odd habit of talking out loud to myself constantly since I have absolutely no human interaction save for work all because I have no other friends who live anywhere remotely close to me.

2008 is at least proving to be much better than 2007. And I'd forgotten that it's a leap year, which is sort of exciting. I'm hoping to maybe get some more essential oils so I can make some oils and salves and stuff, since I'm trying to get into the whole healing aspect of this.

I'll say right now that my cards are hopelessly sarcastic- maybe that comes from use with me. Anyway, I sat for a long time debating what I was going to ask, and I finally settled on "What is going to happen with Zach?" which was dumb, really, but I thought it might help (and by help, I mean my sanity). (Un)fortunately, my cards decided to go from sarcastically un-helpful to decidedly cryptic, and I haven't a clue what half of the chart even MEANS.

Also bear in mind that I am using the Celtic Dragon tarot, and this tends to change some things around.

( Expanded Celtic Cross )